Cobalt Skies & Cyan Eyes
by WatchAndLearnKid
Summary: Jonathan has lost everything and Evan takes him on a journey to find himself once again. M/M


He couldn't feel much of anything.

His mind was numb, his fingers.

His fucking heart.

Mindlessly, he sat his phone down after the call ended and he was left sitting there staring at his terminated Youtube page.

Gone. Everything he'd worked for and it was just . . . . gone.

He couldn't even cry the pain was so unreal. It was cold in his game room and he glanced over at the gold plaque on the wall that he'd earned for achieving one million subscribers. That was one of the best days of his life and it didn't even mean anything anymore. Jonathan smiled to himself and shut his monitors off.

It had to end eventually, so why not now?

He was surprised he even made it this far, as clumsy as he was. It was a fucking shame he couldn't find the one thing that could've saved him.

"Typical." He whispered into the silence, feeling the nothingness getting comfortable around him. He needed to get out, get away, disappear. It wasn't like anyone was coming to stop him. It wasn't like anyone cared.

* * *

"No." Evan deadpanned. "No. No fucking way this is real. They'll put it back up eventually, right?"

"I don't think so, Evan." Luke said and he was struggling to keep the anger out of his voice. "Delirious can't find the written permission he got from the guys to use their music on his videos."

"What, he lost it?"

"No, trust me. He kept it close and he kept it safe just in case this bullshit happened. And it did, and now it's just fucking gone." Luke curled his fingers into a fist. "And don't think I didn't go over there and help him take his house apart looking for it, because I did."

"Shit." Evan sat back in his chair, heart thrumming against his chest, still in disbelief. "He'll find it."

"Maybe." Luke said and he didn't hear a bit of belief in his own words. The paper was gone.

"So, is he okay?" Evan cracked his fingers and he felt his cat rub against his leg.

"I don't know. It's been three days and I haven't heard from him yet. He needs space, but I'm starting to worry." Luke sighed and looked at his phone hoping his friend would send him a message. "Honestly, Evan. I don't think he's okay. That fucking channel was his life, it's what he lived for and it's gone."

"Luke, man. It's gonna be okay." Evan said uncertainly. Delirious hadn't replied to his messages either. "Just do me a favor and go check on him? You've got me worried now."

"Yeah, I'll head on over there now. I'll text you when I get there, let you know what's up." Luke gave him a salute and ended their Skype call and grabbed his keys off the hook on the wall.

A tiny familiar voice stopped him and turned to find Jinae wrapped up in one of his hoodies looking concerned, "Is everything okay?"

He nodded against his better judgement and grinned, "Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just gonna go check up on Jonathan real quick. I'll be back in a little while."

"Okay, be careful. Tell him I said I love him." She gave him a quick kiss and locked the door behind him.

* * *

The drive was dark and quiet and Luke was flooring it the longer the phone against his ear rang and rang and rang. Jonathan always picked up eventually, at some point. But something was wrong, he hadn't picked up in almost four days and Luke was close to panicking. It only took him twenty minutes and four ran stop signs to get there and when he pulled into the driveway, the house was dark and he felt the fear crawling up his spine.

The only sound he heard was the gravel rocks crunching beneath his feet in the night and the rapping of his cold knuckles against the wooden door. He felt above the frame for the spare key that was placed specially for him and he unlocked the door, letting himself into the quiet house.

Luke knew he wasn't there, but he called out anyway, desperate for a sound he knew he wouldn't hear. "Jonathan?"

His lungs were closing up and he gripped his phone in his hand, "Please, answer me."

The whisper carried through the house and a single white piece of paper on the fridge caught his eye. A lump rose in throat and he couldn't decide if was going to cry or scream, if he was feeling distraught or anger. He crumpled the note in his hand and dialed Evan, letting the paper fall to the floor where it still stared up at him, yelling those four words.

It was deafening.

 _Don't look for me._

"Hello?"

"Evan."

"Luke."

He took an unsteady breath and said, "He's gone."

* * *

Evan was packing a bag before he even thought about what he was doing and he felt fingers on his shoulder and he almost forget he had a fucking girl in the house. "Where are you going?"

Evan stood up straight and rubbed his face, "Tess, I have to catch a flight. It's last minute, I know, but could you please take the cat to my parents' while I'm gone."

When she crossed her arms Evan knew right then she was far from being the girl he needed in his life. "What is so important that you need to get on a plane at one in the morning?"

He laughed and shook his head, "First of all, my friend is in trouble and I need to go find him before he hurts himself because if he does, I'll never forgive myself for not trying to help. Second, if you can't trust me with this then you can pack your things and go home right now."

She stared at him for a long minute before turning in place and heading into the bedroom. Evan watched her come back out with her bags on her shoulder and for the third time that year, he was single. His cat came running down the hall only to stop at his feet, look up at him, and meow.

Evan bent down and picked him up, rubbing at his dark grey fur. "Looks like it's just you and me again, bud. Now, let's drop you off at Mom and Pop's."

He didn't even realise how cold it was, until he checked his empty inbox, the unanswered text. He shivered in the empty airport where his footsteps echoed around him. He dialed Luke again.

"Any luck yet?" He asked when Luke picked up his phone.

He listened to him sigh and rub at his beard, "No.

* * *

Luke sat there in Jonathan's empty living room for what felt like hours and it probably had been. His eyes were burning from staring at his pictures on the wall, listening to his clock tick time away.

 _Tick, tick, tick, tick._

 _Knock, knock._

He snapped his eyes to the door and there was a wide shadow just outside the window, looking in.

* * *

Evan was tall, bulky, and kind. Luke could see it in the way his eyes held a certain sadness as he looked around the empty house. The house that belonged to Delirious, the house that only ever sheltered one person. It was quiet, clean, and the longer they stood there thinking about what to do it seemed to feel haunting. Evan stood at the end of the hall looking down into the darkness where one of the doors was left cracked open, letting pale blue light escape. He stepped forward, drawn to the silence and the light, like someone was in there, waiting. But as his fingers gently pushed at the wood, the vacancy made itself clear. Jonathan hadn't been here in days.

"This is his room." Luke said from behind him and in the silence, his voice was deafening.

Evan simply nodded and curiously looked around, respecting his belongings, but let his eyes absorb the things that made up his faceless friend. From the perfectly made bed, the covers made up of multiple shades of blue, just like his personality. To the cork pin board that was hanging above his small desk in the corner that held only a laptop and a lamp. Evan stepped closer and let his mind process what he was looking at; pictures. Pictures held in place by bright colored thumbtacks, pictures that held strangers' faces and some that were familiar. He had pictures of all of them, the crew, hanging somewhere within the cluster of movie tickets and old family polaroids. And he couldn't help but grin when he found his own face, pinned down at the bottom just in the middle, plain as day and he remembered sending that very photo to Delirious on his birthday last year.

 _"Here, have a picture of me. Hang it on the wall. Happy Birthday."_

He had stuck his tongue out and threw up a peace sign before snapping the picture and sending it.

Evan was searching the photos and when Luke reached around him and pulled one off the board, his heart gave a slight jump. He let his fingers wrap around the edge of the thick paper as he gazed at the two subjects. One was Luke, pressing a kiss onto the side of the other guy's face while flipping off the camera. The guy, a short-haired brunette with the biggest smile he'd ever seen and bright eyes that felt like they were looking into his soul.

He looked hesitantly over at Luke, "Is this . . ."

Luke gave a small nod and Evan brushed his finger over the photo, letting it sink in that he was looking at Delirious. He was looking at Jonathan.

"Keep it." Luke stepped towards the door. "So you know who we're looking for. Come on."

Evan followed him to his car without question until they had been driving for an hour and he was starting to wonder. "Where are we going?"

Luke shrugged, "Downtown Greensboro. He knows it like the back of his hand. I don't know where else he would've gone, let's just hope I'm right."

* * *

"We'll split up. We'll walk the blocks and then meet up a few miles down, alright?"

Evan gave him a nod and before he turned to go, Luke put a hand on his shoulder, "Hey. Thank you for coming down here. I really didn't think you would."

He swallowed down the thickness in his throat, the guilt. "It's no problem. I just feel like I haven't been that great of a friend to him lately. I should've tried to do something."

Luke was silent and Evan took that as confirmation that he wasn't the only one that realised how distant he'd been toward Jonathan. He didn't think it was a bad thing at the time, everyone needed a break. But when he tried to reach out to him again, Delirious never responded and Evan regretted ever thinking that he had got too close to him at one point. They were friends, it shouldn't have mattered how close they got. He shouldn't have cared what anyone thought, or what they said. He shouldn't have worried about what it might do to his career or his relationship that was nonexistent now.

He walked, letting his feet take him past the shops and bars that Delirious frequented, taking in the atmosphere. It was relaxing, almost comforting as he wandered through the city in the dim street light, passing by late night couples leaning into each other for drunken support. Music was faintly travelling through the empty streets and he really didn't know what he was looking for. He didn't know Delirious. He didn't know where he liked to go or what he liked to do outside of gaming and perhaps he should have taken the time to learn.

"I'm sorry." He said to himself watching the words disappear into the cold air. He turned a corner, the music getting louder, more clear to his ears and he came upon an club of sorts. He reckoned. He really didn't know what it was, but the people hanging around were not ordinary looking people. They seemed . . . . artistic. A few of them were sat in a circle strumming instruments back and forth and Evan felt the rhythms of the guitars as he passed. The chords always beckoned him and he couldn't remember the last time he had touched the strings of his own instruments where they sat gathering dust in his empty house.

He never had the time for it lately. Not with a woman constantly wanting his attention to go out and do things that he didn't enjoy anymore. Honestly, he didn't know why he had let it drag on as long as it did. She had drained him and maybe she was the reason he'd drawn in on himself, not Delirious. No, it was never Delirious' fault. It was his own. He'd let himself drift away from him and it had impacted him in ways he didn't know it would.

And now he was out there somewhere, drowning in misery, hiding from the world and Evan didn't understand why. But he'd try his best to find out. He owed him that much.

"HEY!"

Evan's attention was drawn to an alleyway across the street where the lights were gloomy, orange, and it gave him a feeling he didn't agree with.

"I'm talking to you! You piece of shit!"

A man was standing just outside of an old rusty metal door that was still swinging behind him. He was average looking and Evan didn't know what he was yelling at until he saw something move in the shadows near the road. "Get the hell out of here, I won't tell you again!"

The person in the shadows didn't budge, just continued to stand there in silence leaning against the cold brick wall. Then the hairs on the back Evan's neck stood on end as the guy stomped down the alleyway to the road where he grabbed the person by what he guessed was their hoodie, it gave easily beneath the man's hands, before he slammed the innocent against the brick. "Last chance, you prick."

Evan swallowed and watched him throw him down against the concrete. They gave a small grunt. It was a guy, Evan could tell now that he was in the hazy light. He was tall once he stood to his full height again, still not leaving like the man wanted. His hoodie was pulled over his head until the man stormed over to him and punched him in the jaw, sending the guy reeling back. He straightened up again and Evan didn't understand.

Then it hit him. The guy wanted him to keep coming. He wanted to be beaten and he couldn't stop his feet from carrying him across the pavement, closer to the sound of fist meeting flesh, the sound of pain. Evan thought that he could handle the situation just fine, he could fend the assaulter off fine, but when he heard the victim beneath him start to laugh, he felt a tremor run through his body and brain and it took everything to keep his knees from buckling. The fear shot through him like lightening and he was yelling a name he'd never let leave his lips before.

"Jonathan!"

The man on top of him whipped his head around, his eyes widening before he nearly tripped on his own feet trying to get back to the open metal door at the end of the alley. He disappeared where he'd come from and Evan found himself on his knees at the guy's side, not knowing if it was really Delirious or not, his face was so bloody. The man smiled while his laughter continued to echo around them. His teeth were pink with blood but when his blue eyes met Evan's, his lip trembled.

"Evan?"

His voice broke and Evan didn't know what to do but nod before he felt the hot tears pool and spill over.

"Yeah." He gasped. "It's me."

* * *

Jonathan finally felt the pain seeping in and his skull felt like it was caving, crushing him. He couldn't keep his voice steady so he didn't say anything, he couldn't.

Evan was wiping at his own face furiously, "Why are you doing this?"

Jonathan couldn't come up with the words to explain what he felt, the pain he'd always felt, the emptiness, the nothingness. Or how much he just needed to feel. Something. Anything.

"Say something . . ." Evan said, his words shaking.

Jonathan swallowed down mouthful of bitterness and said, "Help me."

And he'd never asked that of anyone. And he didn't just need his help getting off the ground.

Evan pulled his jacket off and wiped what blood he could carefully from his friend's face. He felt Jonathan flinch beneath his touch as he helped him to his feet and he was pulling him into a hug, feeling his small fragile body against his for the first time and the guilt was spilling from his eyes again. He felt like he hadn't ate properly in weeks and Evan couldn't help but feel like it was his fault. He should've done something. He should've kept him close.

"I'm sorry." Evan heard himself saying before he could stop it. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Jonathan sagged against his shoulder feeling weaker by the second. "Please, Evan. Don't tell Luke."

"He's out looking for you on the other side of town right now, I have to tell him." Evan said and pulled back, taking Delirious' face in his hands looking him over. His eyes were drooping, "Jonathan."

He gripped Evan's arms, "Don't . . . please not yet. I need to . . ."

"Need to what? Jonathan, what?" Evan shook him but he was going limp with exhaustion and Evan was picking his light figure up in his arms and carrying him to the road before calling a cab.

"Where to?" The driver asked, raising a brow at the half unconscious man that he tugged into the backseat.

"Um." Evan hadn't thought this part through. He needed to get Jonathan home and let Luke know, but Delirious had nearly begged him not to. He didn't know why, but the desperation on his face when he'd said it had him telling the driver to get them to the nearest motel, instead of where he was supposed to meet Luke.

* * *

Jonathan didn't know where he was. A radio was faintly playing somewhere around him, too much static. The sheets he was laying on were scratchy and cheap. He pried open his eyes and he saw orange, so much orange and if this wasn't a motel from the sixties then he didn't know what was. Why the fuck was he in a motel room? Did he fucking time travel?

It didn't matter. No, none of it mattered. He had dreamed of Evan coming to his rescue but just the idea of it was ridiculous and he caught himself giggling. Evan wouldn't come here just for him, he didn't even try to help with the copyright issue. He hadn't even texted him in a month. Evan didn't care. Evan didn't have time, he had a girlfriend, a successful career, a channel that was still up and running. Evan had a great life and Jonathan was just . . . . in the background.

It didn't matter.

He sat up, feeling numb once again and the orange around him seemed to fade to grey and his pale wrists were too flawless the longer he looked at them. They looked back at him.

 _We can make you feel again. Just try it._

The razor blade was still in his pocket where he'd left it, sitting comfortable, waiting to be of use. It was time. He felt hollow and the hole inside of him was almost too big to fight down, it was swallowing him whole. There was almost nothing left to feel, he was so numb and everything was so grey.

So fucking grey. He hated grey.

His feet carried him to the bathroom that was falling apart, the sink was missing a knob and the wallpaper was half gone already. He looked at himself in the cracked mirror and he smiled, but he didn't feel it. He felt like he wasn't in his own skin, this wasn't real. It was just a stretched out dream that had lasted twenty-eight years. He pressed the blade to his skin and he felt the pressure, but he didn't feel the pain, and that made him angry.

The dark red was so vivid against this fair skin. But he couldn't feel it.

"Jonathan, what are you -"

He turned his head at the noise beside him and there was Evan, standing there in all his glory, looking so fucking hurt. Jonathan felt him grab his wrist suddenly and the blade fell, clinking against the porcelain. Jonathan reached with his other hand, blood slipping down to his elbow as he touched his fingers to Evan's confused face.

"Are you real?"

Then Evan was angry and Jonathan felt his arm stinging, he felt every bruise on his face, felt the pounding in his head, the pain in his chest and it was so overwhelming. He couldn't think straight. But he could feel and it was nice.

"Yes, I'm fucking real." Evan said and Jonathan could feel him shaking. "Why are you doing this?"

"I . . ."

Evan shook his head and let his arm go. "Go ahead then. Do it."

"Why?"

"So you can feel it, feel how much it hurts and how much it doesn't help." Evan said and Jonathan's eyes fell to his outstretched arms. He ran his finger over the old scars on Evan's wrists and when he looked back up and met his eyes, he could feel the sadness in them and for the first time in a long time he felt like he wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry."

Evan shook his head, "Don't apologise. Just let me help you, please. Hit me, yell at me. Do whatever it is you need to do to . . . . figure this out."

Jonathan's heart was taking off. "I don't want to hit you."

"Why not? I haven't talked to you in a month. I didn't even try to explain why, I just left you there wondering what you did. And you didn't _do_ anything, I was just so absorbed in trying to change what people thought about me." Evan sat down on the edge of the bed hard and he put his face in his hands. "I didn't know how you were dealing with it and I didn't know what to do when you started having problems with the copyright, so I didn't do anything and I'm sorry for not being there. I know me being here now doesn't change anything and I'll leave if you want me to, just don't kill yourself because I can't live with that."

Jonathan sat down beside him, feeling like pure roadkill, he was hurting. But so was Evan and that made him feel a little less insane. "I didn't think you were real, I thought I dreamed about you last night. I don't know how to explain the way I feel, but I'm glad you're here."

Evan looked over at him, pain in his eyes and he said, "Will you try to explain?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat. "Yeah."

The tears fell and Evan pulled him into the bathroom where he ran hot water and wiped his face clean of all the dried blood and salty tears that continued to fall even after he cleaned his wrist and wrapped it in a small piece of cloth. Evan pulled his forehead against his and he breathed with Jonathan until his blue eyes cleared. "You wanna get out of here? This color is killing me."

Jonathan felt himself smiling against his will.

* * *

"Hey, Luke." Evan answered his phone. "Listen, I found him. But he doesn't want to come home yet and I'm not going to force him. He has some things he needs to work through, things he needs to figure out and I'm going to help him the best I can. So if he wants to fly to Russia then that's where we'll go. I just want you to know that he's safe and he's not okay and I'm not taking him home until he is."

"Okay, I trust you." Luke sighed and started walking to his car. "Just don't hurt him."

"I won't."

* * *

 _Just drive._

That was all Jonathan said, so Evan got them a car and he drove. He drove until the sun dropped to the horizon and his passenger had fallen asleep against the window, his body rocking gently with the vehicle as Evan led them through the night. The sky was clear and the stars were bright and it was nice to just go somewhere that he didn't know, somewhere where he felt like nothing mattered. Somewhere where his life choices had no meaning. It was just the two of them and Evan thought that maybe it should've stayed that way. He never should have abandoned him like he did. He was happier before. They both were.

Jonathan woke when Evan pulled into a rest stop just off the highway and he got out of the car, looking up at the sky. They sat on the hood and laid back, looking up at the endless sky above them shoulder to shoulder. They sat there in silence for a while until Jonathan rubbed at his eyes and looked over at him.

"I don't know exactly what I feel, but I feel empty, hollow. Like I'm numb and I'm not really here. Sometimes I feel like I'm not seeing what I'm seeing. Like, I see all of this, the sky, the trees, you. But is it real?" He watched the stars stutter in the sky, shimmering. "I guess I've just been searching for something that makes me feel like I'm real and I'm here and my feet are on the ground. I want to feel that rush. I want to feel like I'm alive."

Evan wet his lips, "Is that why you let that guy hit you last night?"

"Yeah. I felt it at first but it just went away." Jonathan sat up and Evan was left there staring at the back of his head. "And when I cut myself, I didn't feel it. Just the pressure. Until you walked in and I saw you and it just flooded me all at once. It hurt and I felt it and for a second I felt real."

"I made you feel real?"

Jonathan looked back at him and he grinned, "Yeah. You did."

Evan smiled up at him before sliding off the hood, "Well, let's go find some more things that make you feel real. Things that make you feel alive."

Jonathan got into the car feeling the pain in his chest receding ever so slightly and when he glanced over at Evan he almost felt it disappear completely.

* * *

"Okay, so am I everything you dreamed I would be?" Jonathan asked with a childish grin on his face as the sun started to show. The roads were empty and everything was painted a shade of early morning pastel and dusted with a layer of dew. They had the windows rolled down letting the cool air whip around them as the radio sent out smooth slow rhythms, a small soundtrack for their adventure.

"You're more than that." Evan said seriously with eyes still glued to the pavement ahead. "You're more than I thought you'd be and I'm sorry for ever having any sort of expectations. You've always been there for me and I don't know why I thought distancing myself from you would make my career any better. I am what I am because of you and I don't expect you to forgive me for all the shit I've done to you. You never deserved to be dragged around and then left in the dark."

Jonathan was quiet, he knew Evan had more to say by the way he searching his mind for the right words to say, to convey what he meant. He knew then that Evan was struggling with himself just as much as he was. And he knew Evan cared because Evan knew what he was dealing with.

"So, yes. You are everything I dreamed of, but more. You're tender-hearted and you feel things on a level that most people don't. Things have a different meaning for you just like they do for me. Like, an early morning drive in the middle of nowhere isn't just a drive or just a sign that we are completely lost."

Jonathan grinned, "No, we're not lost right now. We're driving just to drive, just to go, to feel. And right now I feel free and I haven't felt so unbound, so unburdened like this in months. I feel good."

"Exactly." Evan looked over at him. "I feel good, too."

They drove in a comfortable silence for a while until they passed the state line into Ohio and Evan didn't know when Jonathan had started tracing the scars on his wrist, but it made him forget why he ever did it, whatever made him feel the need to. Instead he thought about how gentle his fingers were against his skin as he learned every smooth straight imperfection on his tan wrist. When he glanced over, Jonathan looked up at him and he didn't smile. He didn't have to because Evan could see it in his eyes. His eyes were the color of the sky on a cold crisp winter morning and he felt the chill run down his spine.

* * *

"I know what we can do."

Jonathan sipped at his coke while Evan gassed up the car at a station. "What's that?"

"We can go to that big famous amusement park, the one with the awesome roller-coasters and stuff."

He nodded, "I've never been on a roller-coaster."

Evan smiled, "Me either."

Jonathan wanted to say that he regretted saying yes to the roller-coaster idea but Evan was gripping his hand as the coaster climbed to the top ever so slowly. The anticipation was building and his heart was running a marathon in his chest. They reached the top and the world was stretched out as far as they could see. Evan squeezed his fingers and Jonathan looked over at him and he felt it.

Evan smiled as the coaster reached the top, tipping over the edge. "Do you feel that?"

"I feel it."

 _I feel alive._

Jonathan squeezed back and they went over the edge, their stomachs hitting their throats and they screamed at the tops of their lungs until they were hoarse and laughing. Evan didn't realise his fingers were numb until they got off the ride and he had let go of Jonathan's. As soon as he was out of his seat, he took Evan's hand again and pulled him through the crowd, smiling, and Evan recognized it from the photo he still had in his wallet.

He looked back at him, "Come on, let's do another one!"

It was beautiful.

* * *

"Do you want to get a room for the night?" Evan asked as they were walking back the car as night fell once more and the crowds were leaving the park.

"Nah, that's no fun. Let's just go park somewhere and sleep in the car."

"Alright." And they did, but first they leaned the seats back as far as they would go and they talked. They talked about things they never could discuss with anyone else.

"Why did you do it?" Jonathan asked him as they were on their sides facing each other. He had Evan's wrist again and Evan had his eyes closed, letting him feel his scars once again.

"I was alone." His words felt heavy in his own mouth, but he opened his eyes and Jonathan was waiting patiently with kind understanding eyes and he felt the past bubbling up. He felt all the things he'd never got to say coming out and Jonathan listened. He really listened, he didn't just hear it and nod and pat his back and tell him he was sorry and that he hoped it got better. No, he listened.

"I was so alone. And most days the silence was so deafening that all I could do was cry and rock myself to sleep. Other days were just so long and empty that everything seemed to be moving around me and I was just watching my life pass by while I stood there. I was nothing. I felt nothing and there was no color. I couldn't taste. I couldn't feel. So I cut." Evan took a breath, Jonathan's fingers were tracing lines up his arms, ghosting over the untouched sensitive skin. "I only did it six times. Three on each wrist over the course of a month."

"Why did you stop?"

Evan took Jonathan's hand and touched his fingertips, then drew invisible lines to down to his palm. "I realised that it wasn't helping. I could feel the pain, but I just went right back to where I started after it went away. It took me a long time to find something that was constant, something that made me feel okay enough to keep going."

"What was it?" Jonathan asked and Evan saw the curiosity, the hope in his blue eyes.

And he had no doubt in his mind when he said, "You."

Evan watched him smile and he felt the heaviness he'd always felt hanging over him lift ever so slightly. He felt like he could breathe again, he didn't feel alone.

"I started playing games with you and I can't explain to you what that did for me. I'd never laughed so much in my life and I felt okay."

They fell sleep like that, hands holding onto each other's. They weren't alone.

* * *

It was around five in the morning and without waking Jonathan, Evan started the car and began heading back east, toward the coast. It was a long, quiet drive and Jonathan slept for most of it only waking up once to tell Evan he was starving his face off and his stomach was eating him alive.

So he took them to the nearest Waffle House where he ordered a stack of waffles and a mound of hash browns. Jonathan had sausage and a grilled cheese sandwich.

Evan eyed him, "You know, I've never had sausage."

Jonathan nearly choked on his drink, "What? Man, you have been deprived your entire life. Try this shit, right now."

He cut a piece with his fork and stuck it, holding it out to Evan's lips. Evan laughed and chewed on the seasoned meat, nodding in approval, "Wow."

"Wow is right. Now give me some of your waffles."

Evan pushed his food forward and so did Jonathan and they ate off of each other's plate happily in their small cramped booth by the window. They watched traffic go by wondering where each car was going, what had them driving in such a hurry. Probably their jobs that called for them to be there bright and early before they even had time to wake up. Evan had never liked desk jobs or any job for that matter and he considered himself lucky to have a job doing what he enjoyed.

The thought had his attention turning back to Jonathan because he'd just lost that. He'd lost everything he'd worked for and it was hard thinking about that happening to himself, to have all his work taken away from him because of greed. He didn't know how he would handle it but he knew he would stay locked in his room in silence for as long as the world would let him.

When he came back to reality Jonathan was leaning against the window, his head touching the glass and he was watching him with those eyes that somehow looked like they knew things no one else did. Like why the grass was green or why the clouds were so temperamental, darkening and pouring all their weight on the world. It was science of course, but it always felt like it had a deeper meaning than just keeping the world spinning in its viscous cycle of life and death. Maybe he knew why the grey and gloom made you want to sit on the porch and let the wind turn circles around you or how it made you feel like something important was just over the horizon. His eyes said that he knew, that he felt that, too. That's the reason Evan kept driving, because he thought maybe he'd found someone that understood how his own mind worked.

* * *

It wasn't until sundown when Jonathan started to smell the ocean air slipping through the window past his senses. A grin passed his lips as the nostalgia filled his head. He could taste the ice cream on his tongue, smell the salt on his skin, he could feel the water running off the edge of his fingertips.

Those memories were so far away, but they were real and he felt alive.

"There's going to be a firework show in just a bit." Evan said as he sat down in the sand beside him handing him an ice cream cone.

"Cool. I haven't seen fireworks since I was a kid." Jonathan hummed when the chocolate melted on his tongue.

"Neither have I."

Evan leaned into him and they watched the water turn dark, the sky fade to black while the ocean air blew against them as it rolled off the sea. He was shocked when the first firework went off, sending bright pink streaks across the night sky. But then he felt such an overwhelming calm fall over him when the next one burst above them.

Jonathan smiled and moved behind him so they were back to back and they dropped their heads onto each other's shoulder and stared up into the stars and wondered why something so colorful and meaningless and fleeting could make you feel like nothing else mattered but that moment right there that you were living in. How could it feel like your whole life had led to this point, to your toes sinking in the sand while your face brushed against your friend's?

Evan didn't know.

Jonathan didn't know.

All they knew was that they felt it. They felt alive in that moment and nothing else mattered.

* * *

They followed each other through the crowd along the boardwalk, watching the nightlife move around them. There were so many colors and grey was never one of them. Laughter and music filled the air and Jonathan pulled him into a small sweet scented shack where the lights were dim and smoke filled the air.

They landed in a pile of cushions and Jonathan worked on the hookah in front of them until it was lit and producing the thickest sugar scented smoke.

"Here." Jonathan handed him the hose.

"You know I don't smoke."

He grinned, "Come on, Evan. Live a little, this isn't going on your resume."

So he took it, their fingers brushing and he put it to his lips inhaling the thick smoke. It was smooth and he almost couldn't feel it filling his lungs.

He exhaled and it formed a thick slow swirling cloud around him and it tasted like strawberries rolling off his tongue. He felt himself laughing with the high that washed over his brain that they continued to nurse until the coal had to be replaced to keep it going.

Jonathan breathed another lung full and it took Evan by surprise when he grabbed his jaw and turned his head to face him. He caught his eye before he opened his mouth.

Evan though he going to kiss him but he understood when their lips barely touched and Jonathan slowly let his breath go. Evan breathed in and he stared into his blue eyes, the ones that knew, as they exchanged the sweet air.

Jonathan let him go and sat back with a lazy happy smile that was making something burn inside of him as he let the smoke fall from his own lips, the smoke that had just occupied Jonathan's lungs. It was the most intimate thing he'd ever done, and he found himself wanting to do it again.

So they did. They swapped air for two hours and Jonathan's laugh turned into a soft hum when Evan let his fingers trail down his neck.

They raced each other to the shore where they stripped to their briefs, laughing into the night as they splashed into the ocean. The water was just right and it felt like it was meant to be. It felt like they were living.

* * *

It rained.

It poured as they slept through the night inside of the car. Hand in hand to reassure the other that they weren't alone and they were real. The rain drops pelted against the roof and it lulled them to sleep and Evan dreamt of smoke and lips and everything was a painfully beautiful shade of blue.

* * *

"I need a shower." Evan said as he stretched in his seat. "Get some fresh clothes, too."

Jonathan yawned and squinted against the light. "I'm pretty sure there's a public shower just off the beach."

There was but before they went there they ventured to a clothing store and spent well over an hour trying on clothes and assuring one another that their ass looked perfectly fine in their jeans.

"Okay, which color?" Jonathan asked and he held up two shirts, one purple and the other black.

"Definitely black." Evan grinned. "It makes your eyes stand out even more."

"You should wear this one." Jonathan put a sky blue shirt in his hands. Evan wet his lips when he smiled at him.

Once they had a clean outfit ready to go they headed for the showers that were empty. Their voices echoed and bounced off the cold tile walls as they stripped and stepped beneath the hot water, brushing their teeth with disposable toothbrushes.

"These places always make for really good acoustics." Jonathan said as he scrubbed his body with a new bar of soap that smelled like the forest.

"You can sing?" Evan asked, his hands going still as water beat down on his back.

"Kind of."

"Show me?"

"What do you want me to sing?"

"Anything you feel like. Whatever makes you happy."

Jonathan rubbed the water from his face and cleared his throat. He hadn't sang in such a long time that he honestly didn't know if he'd still be any good at it. His voice was deep and it rang true throughout the room.

Evan's heart slowed and he leaned against the wall, listening to words, feeling them flowing across him like a mid-September breeze.

 ** _And I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now_**

 ** _And after all_**

 ** _You're my Wonderwall_**

"Wow." Was all Evan could say as he stood there stunned.

Jonathan was smiling like he never had before and he felt a warmth he hadn't in a long time when Evan said, "Sing something else."

* * *

It took them two more days as they ventured back toward North Carolina. It took them two more days to make new memories, ones that would last a lifetime. Ones that would constantly remind them both that they were real and they were alive.

They'd remind them that life was worth living.

* * *

It was midnight and Greensboro was quiet.

"When was last time you played your guitar?" Jonathan asked and Evan thought about how he could have possibly known he'd been away from his instruments, his soul. His fingers became restless at the thought of the strings releasing melodies that made the world around him disappear. It made him ache.

"It's been a while." He admitted and Jonathan looked back at the empty road.

"Take a left up here and pull over."

Evan did and he spotted the same small hole-in-the-wall venue he'd happened upon when he first started searching for his friend. The same people were gathered around on the concrete, strumming worn out instruments, and singing to their hearts desire.

It hurt to hear it.

Jonathan got out of the car and came to his side, opening the door and holding his hand out. Evan looked up at him and he knew Jonathan could tell what he was feeling, because he reached down and took his hand in his and with a smile he said, "You helped me. Now let me help you."

Evan let him pull him from the driver's seat and lead him into the small building where everyone said their hello's and how do you do's. All the eyes he locked with were kind and caring and it was like they understood because before he could even say hi in return someone was thrusting a guitar into his hands and offering him a comfortable seat to sit in.

"Thank you." He muttered uncertainly and held the guitar in his awkward hands. Jonathan sat down across from him and nodded.

"Whenever you're ready. Don't rush it."

Evan took his time, running through the past in his mind trying to understand why he stopped doing this, the one thing he loved most. He ran his fingers over the strings, his calloused hands falling into place like they used to.

And he played.

He played until he felt something warm and wet running down his face. Then he felt a gentle hand wiping it away and he looked up to see blue eyes shining back at him.

"Okay?"

Evan nodded and smiled, one that he felt deep inside of him. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Me, too."

Jonathan sang and the people around them gathered, making rhythms with their hands, humming along, adding words, adding chords and a bit of their soul and Evan felt it.

He felt alive.

* * *

They didn't leave until the moon did and it was a task getting back to the rental place without falling asleep at the wheel. Eventually they made it, grabbing their bags of clothes and walking to the bus station just down the street.

Jonathan stayed awake while Evan fell against his shoulder, sleeping, until they neared a stop that was just a small walk away from his house. Evan was almost deadweight against him but he was grinning the entire trek there.

When Jonathan got the door open he led him to his bedroom and got him in the bed, pulling his shoes off and sliding his jeans down his legs.

"Mm." Evan mumbled his thanks and fell asleep before Jonathan had time kick his own shoes off. Instead of crawling in the bed he first pulled his camera from the shelf and took a picture of the man in his bed. The one that made him feel alive.

He crashed shortly after, falling asleep to the sound of Evan's breathing and he woke to his dark brown eyes staring into his.

Evan smiled and said, "Hey."

Jonathan knew.

He knew what he was feeling and he knew it was going to hurt when they said goodbye. It hurt eating breakfast with him in the morning light coming through the window. It hurt watching him borrow his clothes when he got out of the shower and it hurt driving him to the airport with the wind rushing through their hair.

Jonathan had never felt more alive than in that moment.

Evan had never felt his heart beat so fast or so hard.

"Thank you." Jonathan said and he knew Evan knew he meant that in more ways than just one.

"Thank you." Evan said. His voice was soft and kind. It hurt.

"Evan . . ."

He pulled Jonathan's forehead against his, "I'll call you when I land. And I'll be back. I'll visit you and you can come visit me, yeah?"

Jonathan nodded and he managed not to let his voice break or tremble when he said, "Goodbye."

They called Evan's flight. His heart was beating like a drum.

"Goodbye. For now."

He watched him walk away and the anxiety set in, panic flooded his entire body as the colors around him slowly faded back to grey. He shook, trying to breathe, but he was going numb and everything felt so far away.

This wasn't real and the only thing that ever made him feel like it was . . . just left. Something made him turn and move his feet and he felt like a thousand pounds as his body unwillingly moved towards the exit, to his old life, the one where he was alone and dead inside.

He didn't know why he thought it would last, because things had been great, they were perfect actually and Evan was a fucking angel. An angel that had a life and couldn't stay in his. Even if that was all he needed to feel okay, was Evan.

He didn't know why he ever thought he could keep him.

But there was no color without him.

"Jonathan."

He turned and saw lips the color of sundae cherries, hair as black as the universe, and eyes that were the color of melted chocolate on the tip of his tongue.

His hand slipped smoothly over his jaw, his fingers brushing the back of his neck and his lips met his.

In the middle of the airport, their tongues danced and their fingers pressed melodies into each other skin. Time was nonexistent, the crowd; gone.

And all Evan could say was, "I need you."

And all Jonathan could say was, "I love you."

Evan had never felt more alive than in that moment when those words slipped through his ears and he'd never felt anything as real as Jonathan's lips against his, pliant and wet and warm like the afternoon.

"Come with me." Evan said against his mouth and he was drowning in his eyes when he opened them, heavy-lidded and happy all the way down to his soul.

"Okay."

* * *

"Cut it out, Frizzle Bits." Jonathan mumbled as Evan's cat crawled across his head and onto the nightstand for the tenth time that morning.

"He might if you stop calling him that." Evan laughed when the cat knocked everything off of the side table. Jonathan groaned and reached for his wallet and everything that had fallen out of it.

Evan waited for him to roll back over into the bed, but he never did. So, he turned to look at him and found him sitting straight up in the sheets looking down at something in his hands.

"What is it?"

Evan could see a smile stretching across his face and Jonathan handed him a piece of paper. He took it from him and unfolded it to find the written permission the band had given him years ago to use their song in his videos.

He smiled up at him, "Come here."

Jonathan crawled up his body and into his arms where Evan took his face in his hands and kissed him like he was the only thing in the world. He held him like he was the reason he was breathing and when he opened his eyes, everything was doused in devastatingly beautiful shades of blue.

And he felt alive.


End file.
